Born Yesterday

When it comes to the heart,

Few men know where to start,

Let’s say you find feelings for a man on your team,

You know him to be smart, a fighter who’s sometimes mean,

Nonetheless behind his eyes though dark they may be the light shining within outweighs the obscene,

Vanished for days, whereabouts unknown to all in the round

Tirelessly you work though this forboding feeling

His being there will only thwart

The other men on your court.

Another man, you chose to fall,

Handles right, yet, not you at all,

For in his eyes maybe you are more like a brother,

Or that guy that is around, feels like I am gonna smother,

One makes it very clear how he feels in this mix, the other can’t see this outside of common quick tricks,

All in all you wear your heart out-loud alongside the sleeve

For others to see as if viewed within a pensieve

This one is a kind gentle man

Get along easy if you can.

These two men, born on this day,

Though separate, one year away,

You’ve come to love them in different ways,

Neither holds you stronger with unintended sway,

But one thing is clear, to not grow so weary, perhaps let them both go, be found a little more cheery

I know one of them likes me, if not one, then two,

Man loving man knowing not what to do,

At least, admit to yourself

Feel that which is true.

Meeting eyes hold few secrets

To those having felt this before

Unattended games yet we all know the score

And the stories told again by guys who refuse to share or admit,

Ah, I should’ve have written this days ago or maybe even a year, think how many more eyes that are queer

May land on this page to see some are with courage, not afraid,

To sling all of their feelings in the fray

(I feel you, these things I know)

I wasn’t born yesterday.

Reel Dreams

Mine are like surreal movies, hence the heading Reel Dreams. I usually have some form of powers. Often, there is an unfinished romance.

Thick Cloud Sky

I was so certain it was real. After waking from a 6 hour night’s rest after the night’s check-in to the Long Room Bar (where I met a cool guy wearing a “Brotally” T-shirt) I went through the morning ritual of breakfast and laid on the futon to organize my thoughts and recover from my injured state, meaning too much boos and too many smokes. I nod off again for around two hours. I have never seen such truer, vivid dreams than these of late.

I was on a bus headed to Durango, Colorado where a number of friends, family and old instructors were gathered. We were all about the large white house, milling about, some people were smoking on the porch, others eating in the kitchen or dining hall while others had tottered of to bed, rather early for my taste. It was the first time he kissed me.

I had dreamed about us together before… many, many times. In fact, there is no one that I have dreamed of more. We had been together in my slumbering thoughts on five or six other occasions, highly intimate. However, I never remember him kissing me before this and regardless as to whether this holds true what I do know is that within the realm of dreams, this was the first time we kissed. His lips held that lovingly anxious energy, so full and moist, yet his head remained refrained and hesitant to lean my way. He smiled that embarrassed boyish smile, blushing at our moment. Now his face is up close. It happens almost as a child-like pop kiss but with a little lingering touch with my cupids bow. He pauses. He comes forward again. We shared a rushing embrace of taste and flooding sensations as I could feel his breath move inside of me and mine returning to his. Our bodies had more to say to each other and, once again, it was all for the first time.

I almost said, “Perhaps we should slow down. I don’t want us to rush the physical part,” but I didn’t speak. “What? Is everything o.k,” he says looking up at me. I bring his mouth to mine again and move to the rest of this gorgeous, protective, hard body, where, as things often are with a first time, one can find his release in seconds. He says something to the extent of “I knew I wouldn’t be able to [wait].” I laugh. We kiss.

Outside now, I’m looking up at the sky with an unfamiliar, anonymous girlfriend figure and I suggest she watch as the sky is taking on another life all its own. Rolling and ripping waves of stratus turning cumulus, peeking into lenticular shades, night turns from day. Happening within moments, everyone’s gaze goes to the now night sky as the darkness begins to billow into momentous, unforgettable images of the cosmos. Some people are frightened, some in heightened states of disbelief, others in mild shock all the while I simply watch and smile, amazed. Looking at this cosmological tapestry unveiled before us, with the wonder of a kid I run inside of the house looking for Beast.

Before I slept these two hours I watched two episodes of my second favorite childhood cartoon series, X-Men, specifically season 3, episode 35, “Obsession,” which concerns Archangel’s insatiable hunger for revenge against Apocalypse in a world recently saved by the legendary Phoenix after it awakens within Jean Grey. Evidently, in this other world I knew Beast would appreciate this site best.

Unable to find my fury friend I return to the ever-changing cloudscape which has returned to a nearly normal night sight with one majestic exception. Spread wide across midnight colors is a glowing, ornately detailed symbol of the legendary bird. My most beloved of mythical creatures beams down at me. Snapping a photo with my phone I notice a distant shadow approach the floating Phoenix.

Frozen HalvesThis was a government issued machine. As it silently plowed the sky it began erasing the mighty bird with some mega-maid vacuum power. I snap a photo with my phone, then another. The machine notices me. Heading towards me, I know what it wants. I have proof now, proof that this metal soldier will not allow published. Inside now, a gigantic robotic arm reaches in the door smacking an old friend, Michael Sands into the wall, unconscious. This thing is obviously going to hurt everyone if necessary to get this photo wiped from my phone and ultimately my memory. I stop and reason with the mechanical entity which has now assumed the form of a man, mixed in color and stature. “My contacts are important. I know you need the phone but I ask that you only delete the one image. I should be allowed all my other data.” Hopefully, this alien would see that I meant know harm but simply wanted to remember such a beautiful sight of this legendary image resting in the sky. Maybe this creature was only upset that I photographed it without permission. My phone is taken then returned. What happens next, I did not enjoy to say the least.

Raising both hands as open palms, placing them to either side of my head, the unknown does his deed. It’s as if I hear a piercing noise but I don’t, it’s more of change in pressure around my whole body, heavier around my head. I scream, fall to the floor weeping as if everyone I’d every known had died. The room is clearing, people are looking at me having no idea what is wrong. The machine turned man figure is gone.

Trying to make sense of this in my awake state, no one else had seen this intruder who washed me of a memory. I appeared insane.

I ran outside to find Rob and John. Two other anonymous figures sat on the night bathed porch, having a drink. “Where is Rob and John?” Immediately, they both stood up, unmasked from the railing just behind them. I run around to the other side. “Did you see the sky?” I ask. “No,” they both say. I make an annoyed huff, turn, walking away, waking up.

On a real note, the two men in Chicago for whom I have felt the deepest look nothing alike but were born on the same day. I discovered this yesterday.

A Single Man

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Identifying as a gay man can leave weighted blockades at the forefront of youth, our twilight years or whenever one chooses to open the door and in middle age here it is coupled by being A Single Man by Christopher Isherwood.

Protagonist George feigns interest in life as his many states of mind leave him as an object of solitude, uncertainty and bitter discontent.

To pass through these pages is to follow our friend George through one solitary day. Routines of roles speak to the many facades we all wear at times to make it through work, an unwanted dinner or awkward encounters with people from our past. This man looks in the mirror each morning and prepares the state of mind and face to sell to the world. The state they want to see.

A lover has passed, many lonely mornings are spent, and George regresses into his sad mind as multiple personas emerge. It is in these lost moments that George escapes his bitterness. His morning commute is spent as the “chauffeur.” Another character emerges in the classroom recognized only as a “talking head” to which his students are more than accustomed. One student sees beyond this head and towards the end of this day gives George a glimmer of what may have been and in turn George shares a subtle truth to this unsettled youth.

Fear and the ongoing use of labels are tacked on to our friend as “Mr. Stunk… tries to nail him down with a word. Queer, he doubtlessly growls” (pg. 27). While George appears numb to biting remarks a harmless comment can be viewed with scorn such as in this parenthetical quotation from page 34, “(‘old,’ in our country of the bland, has become nearly as dirty a word as ‘kike’ or ‘nigger’).” Named insults that puncture the deepest are those which ridicule unalterable, innate qualities.

The inevitable acceptance of mortality and decay coupled with the ongoing desire for companionship ground this story in a place of common roots. A standing hospital is likened to a doorway into the next stage through which we will all pass (pg. 94). George visits Charlotte over endless drinks; she entertains the fantasy of the two of them being together which ends with one of those, groping, repeated “drunken long shots” (pg. 145). Near the end-and much alcohol later-I believe we start to see the real George emerge. He becomes fearless, flirtatious and dominant with the young man paying him due attention. Ironically rescued from drowning in the nude by his hunky student (pg 164), Kenny will be the last face our friend sees but only after a shared awkward truth I know all too well.

by Christopher Isherwood

A Single Man by Christopher Isherwood, click here to buy the book

For such a short novel (186 pages) it left me with a lot to say and like George I am in my head. All of my reservations about growing old, processing ridicule and abuse from my early years and the future of taking a partner only to later endure the loss of love are lettered here in black and white. After beginning this article, I let it rest as a draft for over a week before publication as I thought it was too personal. While these grey thoughts jumble my review the light of this little book rests in it being an excellent introduction to the great voice of Christopher Isherwood. This is the man who wrote the fictional work that later turned into the film Cabaret. His history ties intimately with poet W.H. Auden and a visit to Berlin. In an effort to somehow organize my opinion of this dense and somehow witty prose I peaked at older reviews and am looking for a loaner copy of the movie with Colin Firth and Julianne Moore.

In close and timely fashion, finishing this book as New York gay marriage passed made me think that if only all states followed (and we all embraced equality) real life characters such as George would have less cause to experience looming suicidal solitude and far more reason for acceptance and celebration. States of mind are at stake. A Single Man by Christopher Isherwood directs my thoughts to which state will be next?